Don’t get me wrong… to quote Twilight I am unconditionally and irrevocably in love with London. But not many of us want to read gushing posts of adoration whether it’s for a puppy, baby or your home town. In fact most of us secretly relish at cynicism and mundane moans, lapping up a bit of sarcasm and less than perfect view on things.
So instead of writing a cliché love letter to my cherished London, I’m ripping it to pieces. Because that’s what you do when you love something, right? Or at least that’s what my Mum told me when the boys at junior school were mean…
London is a terrible place. Full of skyscrapers and open green parks. Ew what was I thinking moving to such a city of horror? To release some of my hatred for my home town, I’m listing off not one, but TEN things I hate about London.
Who on earth decided that people would want delicious food from respectable restaurants delivered straight to their door for them to enjoy in their cosy fluffy PJs whilst watching Take me Out? Dreadful.
2.Dog Friendly Dining
Restaurants, bars and even afternoon tea, each accepting dogs as paying customers so us human folk can dine with our pups. Disturbing.
3.The Cafe Culture
Thousands of independent cafes each serving homemade breakfasts, fresh smoothies and quality coffee that hasn’t come from tax-avoiding chains or been delivered in batch. One even has cats in it. Quite disconcerting.
4.Late Night Shopping
Why oh why would I want to spend my weekday evenings slowly mooching around an unlimited option of clothes, shoes and independent shops open until I later on curl into bed? Surely I can find that perfect dress in my short lunch break or be better off beating the tourists at the weekend? Disgraceful.
Bottomless brunch! Who thought that people would want to pair scrambled eggs and pancakes with unlimited Prosecco? WHY? Disgusting.
6.24 Hour Travel
A train and bus network that takes me from my favourite late night bar to my neighbourhood with less than a 15 minute wait? So disappointing.
7.Squares & Markets
Squares and streets across the city, each packed with cheap quality food, fresh flowers and vintage collectables from across the world, available all day every day. Oh hell no, take me to Tesco. Distressing.
Movies played outdoors? In the sunshine? Without people next to my ear throwing popcorn in their gob? How dull.
Drinks based on stories and served with small snacks… a glowing backdrop of a city skyline lit up behind creative baristas, working in some of the best bars in the world. How bloody depressing.
10.Free Entry to a World of Museums
Why be so different London? Charge us for your museums and galleries like every other European city god damn it! Don’t be so deceitful.
Ssheesh. Think it’s about time I moved.
With thanks to www.eppie.me.uk