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Arts + Lifestyle

C/O: Catherine Bohart, CF's Travel Agony Aunt #2

Meet Citizen Femme’s new resident Travel Agony Aunt, comedian Catherine Bohart.

Each month Bohart will be answering readers’ travel-related dilemmas, from the pressing to the petty. Send your submissions to [email protected].

Q: Should we bring our in-laws on vacation with us?

Gosh, this is a tricky one. I suppose it depends on whether or not you want to stay with your partner. If you are looking to end the relationship with a specific cause to point to, then sure, bring them along. Or perhaps you only want to kill the sexual part of your relationship? In which case, absolutely, get their mom the room next to yours!

There are likely three types of relationships you could have with your partner’s parents, none of which should mean they would be welcome on your holiday. 1 – You like them, great, keep it that way by never seeing your father-in-law in a towel. 2 – You hate them, this will not be improved by your mother-in-law vetoing your every restaurant choice because she likes to stick to the same place every night. 3 – You’re ambivalent, the ideal if you ask me. Why rock the boat? These people mean nothing to you and that’s how you should want to keep it! Don’t put yourself in a position where you have to SPF their moles.

And if you need an excuse not to have them there, just say you’re trying for a baby. Works even better if you’re gay because they’re too confused to ask questions.

Q: How early should you get to the airport, really?

It is a truth universally acknowledged that airports are the Disneyland of adulthood. If you still go to Disneyland as an adult, I’d suggest you grow up. With that said, you’re going to want to maximise your time under the harsh lights and oppressively low ceilings of any airport you have the privilege of flying through.

So, let’s do the math and show our workings. Most European flights will suggest a three hour pre-arrival time but then what about all the perfumes you want to try on? I’d throw in another half hour for getting spritzed.

You’ll also want to drink and airport wait staff are famously the slowest in the world (such fun!) so let’s add forty-five minutes per glass of sparkling, so two hours and fifteen mins? You’ll of course need time to pick up and put down at least 17 handbags or books you have no intention of buying, that’s another hour.

Is it even an airport day if you haven’t watched your phone die, not been able to find your charger, had to go to an electrics store to buy a charger, spent ages looking for a plug socket, found your original charger and then charged your phone while holding your cable over a man asleep at the socket? Two hours.

So generally, I’d advise eight hours and 45 minutes in advance of your flight – though you’ll probably want to  pick up a snack at Yo Sushi, so let’s round up to nine? Really.

Image of Catherine: Jiksaw.

Feature image: Illustration © Alexandra Wong.

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