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Arts + Lifestyle

C/O: Catherine Bohart, CF's Travel Agony Aunt #3

Meet Citizen Femme’s new resident Travel Agony Aunt, comedian Catherine Bohart.

Each month Bohart will be answering readers’ travel-related dilemmas, from the pressing to the petty. Send your submissions to [email protected].

Q: Airplane food – to eat or avoid and bring your own? Also, is there anything you should never eat on a plane?

I suppose the question here really is, do you want to have a terrible time or are you a person who thinks life should be joyful? The way I see it, people aren’t meant to move through the sky but if you’re going to, then surely you should do so eating the most wondrous foods to match the majesty of the clouds? In fact, I think you should only eat things that also shouldn’t be in the sky, theme this thing! I’m talking sushi, what’s a fish doing on a plane? I’m talking Percy Pigs, and they said pigs couldn’t fly. Heck, if you can get it at the airport, bring some candy floss so you can eat a cloud above them. Eat everything that makes you happy so that if the plane does plummet to the ground, your last meal above earth wasn’t a microwaved tinfoil plate of salt and yellow flavourings.

As for things you should never eat on a plane? Be kind to your fellow man and try not to bring nuts. No-one should have to die of an allergy on the way to Mallorca.

Q: The airline I was travelling with lost my luggage – it’s been two days. Should I keep the faith or just go ahead and buy myself a whole new wardrobe?

I’m so sorry that this happened to you and I hope you’ve not been on hold to anyone too pass-agg while you’ve, doubtless, had to beg for your property to be returned from people who usually seem shocked they were responsible for it. Triggered?? No, I’m not!

Right, first port of call is underwear my friend. This doesn’t need to be fancy but you are going to want to buy a multi-pack, who knows when you’re getting that case?

Sure, if you have endless cash then stop reading and start spending and also, marry me? But if you’re like most of us, then there’s a choice to be made. You can go to a cheap shop and buy an outfit for every day of the holiday and even become a new person. Who is this woman who is on holiday? Is she divorcee chic? Or an art teacher looking for love? A farmer in the big city? Truly, the possibilities are endless. The downside here is that if you get your case back sooner than expected, you’ve bought yourself an identity crisis.

Option two is to buy two or three fabulous staples that you’ve, frankly, been eyeing up for ages but couldn’t justify. You HAVE to now, you don’t have any clothes! Also buy a detergent you can hand wash your new pieces with in a bath and then rinse and repeat those stunners for the trip. This way, when you get your case back, sure you’ve spent some money but you won’t regret it and, honestly, what was a girl to do?

Image of Catherine: Jiksaw.

Feature image: Illustration © Alexandra Wong.

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