Why I'm Facing Family Fights Head-On This Christmas

Once a serial avoider of family arguments (at any time of year), Citizen Femme’s beauty and wellness director is no longer hiding away from festive disagreements.

Think she’s at risk of hating her family in the process? Relationship experts actually suggest she’s onto something. Here’s why.

Christmas is a time of good will to all men (and women) right? But with families cramming together under the same roof, the stress of cooking the turkey, and the pressure of finding the perfect presents, sometimes the reality can be a little more complicated.

PIN IT

A conversation about wellbeing advice for Christmas among the CF team included multiple (somewhat tongue-in-cheek) suggestions that hiding away from your partner/kids/mother-in-law (delete as appropriate) was the only way to go.

I’ve never been overly hot-headed and I am lucky to have a really close family dynamic, but even I can remember several potato-peeler-in-hand confrontations about the ‘right way’ to get the Christmas veg prep done. Something I’d argue would never happen during Sunday roast prep in March.

Why are we more likely to bicker and fall out with family members at what is meant to be the ‘happiest time of the year’?

“The festive season often triggers arguments because of heightened expectations, unresolved family dynamics, and the pressure to conform to traditions,” explains the relationship coach, author and speaker Natalie Lue. “There’s a lot of forced togetherness and people feel obliged to fulfil roles – like the perfect host, dutiful son or daughter, or super parent – and when reality falls short of these idealised images, it breeds tension, friction, and resentment. The season can also resurface old conflicts, with the stress of organising, overspending, and balancing everyone’s needs amplifying emotional responses. Add in fatigue plus the social pressure to be cheerful, and minor issues can escalate into major disagreements.”

PIN IT

I’m pretty sure that none of us really want to have big arguments with our families at any time of the year, so it is not surprising that avoidance tends to be a go-to strategy (especially for us Brits).

You might have even already planned out your festive seating chart, so your cousins on either sides of the political spectrum aren’t in sparring distance, or your brother’s new girlfriend isn’t in the firing line of your nosy aunt.

I’ve definitely caught myself practicing the dodging of potentially contentious conversations (marriage, babies, politics) in the mirror before an extended friends or family event, and have rather perfected my French exit with an oh-so polite smile when topics turn a little heated.

But, while you might be playing happy families on the outside by ‘protecting against the drama’, it wasn’t until I spoke with Lue that I realised how damaging avoiding confrontation altogether could be. In fact, it could be making festive disagreements – when they do happen – even worse.

PIN IT

“It’s easy to assume that not saying something will avoid drama or hurting feelings – but that also avoids acknowledging the potential damage to your relationship and your resentment [that bottling things up can cause],” says Lue. “Confrontation can be healthy when approached constructively, as addressing an issue allows for understanding and resolution” – meaning you don’t keep feeling annoyed, upset or slightly on edge with your family year after year.

“The key is staying calm and focusing on the behaviour or situation [that’s causing a disagreement], not using it as an opportunity to bring up all the other issues previously left unaddressed,” continues Lue. “Clearing the air can strengthen relationships, but it’s also okay to pause and revisit a conversation later if emotions run high.” A willingness to listen (as well as talk!) is important.

Of course, there are occasions when festive fights can’t be framed as so light-hearted. Women’s Aid consistently reports a 15 per cent rise in domestic abuse calls immediately after Christmas, and keeping yourself safe should always be your primary priority. Getting help and advice (as well as avoiding situations that increase your risk of harm) is paramount in these more serious situations.

But, for those silly little family arguments with a parent, sibling or extended family member, setting boundaries (and setting them early) is my pre-New Year resolution.

Instead of just ‘going with the flow’ – then resenting decisions I said it was okay for others to make – this year I’ve committed to voicing conflicting opinion. Even if it’s just to say that I really don’t want to play another round of Monopoly thank you very much.

PIN IT

I’ve already had the conversation with my mum and sister that it might be best I don’t help with the veg prep this year… but as a compromise, I’ll do more than my fair share of the washing up instead. And, I’ve pushed back against a potential plan that saw me yo-yoing between multiple locations, which actually means I’ll have the time and headspace to spend more quality time with my family.

“Boundaries are about knowing who you are, so what does and doesn’t work for you and reflecting this in your communication, actions and choices,” says Lue. “When you take responsibility for how you want to feel and are aware of what pushes your buttons or tends to stoke the argument fire, you can set the parameters about what’s needed to keep things harmonious.”

Lue’s main piece of advice: “Start by identifying your limits and bandwidth (time, energy, how you’re feeling, existing commitments, etc.), so you have a realistic picture of how far you’ll go effort-wise – and what’s a no-no. By being proactive and honest, you reduce misunderstandings and resentment, fostering healthier interactions. A boundary respected today can prevent drama tomorrow.”

How to have tough talks with confidence

Still dreading having those difficult conversations? Here’s a step-by-step guide for tough talks from emotional intelligence expert Amy Jacobson, author of The Emotional Intelligence Advantage: Mastering Change and Difficult Conversations.

1. Start with open questions

While you might think you remember the behaviour of a friend or family member from last year (or the last argument with you) clearly, “don’t make assumptions about the other party’s actions or the intentions behind them without asking genuine, non-biased questions first,” warns Jacobson. That could easily add fuel to a fire that doesn’t actually have to burn! “The easiest question to open with is a simple, ‘How are you?’ – then ask follow-up questions for more details and clarification, leading into the more difficult conversations slowly if you do need to have them.

PIN IT

Don't just listen - actively listen! This means paying close attention not just to their words, but to the emotions behind them, and not merely waiting for your turn to respond.

 
 

2. Listen and pause

Don’t just listen – actively listen to what the other person has to say. “This means paying close attention not just to their words, but to the emotions behind them, and not merely waiting for your turn to respond,” says Jacobson. “Pausing gives our bodies a chance to ease out of ‘fight or flight’ mode so we can all think more clearly.” It also avoids you making the other person feel like they aren’t being heard, which can lead to greater feelings of hurt or anger that only fuel an argument.

3. Be empathetic

It’s easy to think that you have nothing in common with someone you routinely butt heads with, but “empathy requires removing judgment – not necessarily putting yourself in the other person’s exact shoes,” Jacobson explains. “Instead, ask yourself: What emotion are they displaying? When’s the last time I felt that way? What are the worst and best things someone could do or say to me in those moments?” That way, even if you continue not to see eye to eye, you can keep more extreme emotions at bay.

4. Ask the ultimate question…

“‘How do we fix this?” The we is the keyword here, indicating that you’re a team and they aren’t alone in the process,” reveals Jacobson. That can be tricky, especially when you think you haven’t done anything wrong, but “it also forces the other party to acknowledge that the issue actually occurred.” This enforces accountability on all sides and builds the base for a solution going forward – even if that is an informed decision that, in order to protect your boundaries, you need to limit the time you spend with them going forward.

PIN IT

And finally, of course, communicating your boundaries not only protects against family arguments – it’s integral for your mental wellbeing too. That means it can help you step into 2026 in the best possible state of mind.

“Given the time of year – when there can be pressure to put on a big smile and go above and beyond – you need to be extra mindful of your emotional capacity,” concludes Lue. “You don’t want the credit card equivalent of mental health debt in the new year. Say no where you need to, so you can say yes to what feels good and right for you. Limit exposure to triggers, like social media comparison or toxic conversations, and focus on what brings you joy. Remember, it’s okay to disappoint others a little if it means prioritising your wellbeing. Boundaries are an act of self-care, not selfishness.”